Paul Ryan Leaves, Objectivist Morrissey Returns

There really isn't a lot I need to say about Paul Ryan leaving the House of Representatives. I think the guy is awful, by which I mean offal- he's the classic case of the guy who wants to pull the ladder up behind him- he received Social Security survivor benefits after the death of his father yet claimed to dream of cutting government benefits since he was a frathole at keggers. Yeah, I'd come to bury Ryan in snark, not to praise him, but I think he's pretty much done- the House is lost to his party, which is lost to Trump. Back in 2011, I went through a manic phase while working a split-shift at work, a graveyard shift followed by an afternoon/evening shift. In these heady conditions, I wrote 24 blog posts in 24 hours, one of which imagined singer/songwriter Morrissey as a hardcore Objectivist. This led to a spate of writing Objectivist parodies of songs by Morrissey's old band, the Smiths, and even its own short-lived blog which ran its course because there aren't a lot of Smiths songs to parody and, well, Morrissey became a far-right loon so imagining him as a hardcore Randian became unnecessary and not-so-fun. There is a bit of unfinished business, though, back in the 2012 election season, my older brother, Sweetums, suggested that I write an Objectivist Morrissey parody about Paul Ryan. I had a half-finished piece rattling around my head, but the election season wasn't fun until B. Hussein Obummer won, and I left the piece unfinished, unposted. Now, with Paul Ryan seemingly leaving the public eye for good, I figured I'd post the parody, though it is now woefully dated: We're cryin', Mister Ryan, at this sickening mess, And this Kenyan Usurper who'd penalize success. You must stand fast, and athwart history And you must reclaim GOP mastery. Greed, greed glorious greed, It despises the people in need. But I'd rather be greedy Than righteous or holy Any day, any day, any day. But frankly, I am more inclined To be lobbyist courted and wined. I want to cut and I want to slash. I want to do something that others may deem rash. We're cryin', Mister Ryan, at this sickening mess, And this Kenyan Usurper who'd penalize success. Oh, I didn't realise that you wrote policy. I didn't realise you wrote such poor despising policy, Mister Ryan. Frankly Mister Ryan since you cut You are a pain in a socialist's butt. I do not mean to fluff you so, But I can't be lying, Mister Ryan. Don't give them your money! This bit is a parody of the bouncy Frankly, Mister Shankly: Cross-posted at my mothership...

Man in Gulch

I feel I've been neglecting this blog, but inspiration strikes in haphazard fashion, and, at any rate, Objectivist Morrissey doesn't need my pity! I think this might be my second-best effort after the original Objectivist Morrissey parody. Anyway, without further ado, here's Man in Gulch:


Man in gulch
The dumb blind louts are left behind
No, I’m not like any other man
I’m superior ‘cause I’m not kind
Man in gulch
I can do whatever I can
And everything depends upon
My magic power plant.
And if the moochers whine
Then let the moochers whine.
Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care
Not your slave...

Man in gulch
The weak people whine
Yes I may be hidden so well,
All the moochers can go to hell.
Man in gulch
The dumb blind louts are left behind
Yes I may be hidden so well,
All the moochers can go to hell.
And if the moochers whine
Then let the moochers whine.
Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care
Not your slave...

So man in gulch, I stake my claim
I'll fight to the last breath
If they dare tax a bit of my bread
I'll fight to the last breath
For the moochers are out there somewhere,
So come into my gulch my little Dagny
But you lice can go to hell
Yes you lice can go to hell
And you'll probably never see me again
I hope you’ll never see me again.
I know you’ll never see me again.


For those of you not into Die Schmidts, this is a parody of Hand in Glove:





The inspiration for this one was a bit bizarre- the phrase "man in gulch" had been kicking around inside my skull for a while, but it took some time before I had a rhyme for the bizarre line "the sun shines out of our behinds", and when it did, I knew I had a winner. Cross posted at (where else?) my usual haunts.

Golden Coins

Since Christmastime is upon us, many homeowners are decorating their homes with festive lights. Of course, Objectivist Morrissey, being a devotee of PURE REASON, has no truck with such fripperies and frivolities. There are no Christmas trees cheerfully illuminating the Gulch, kiddo... golden lights can't cheer up Objectivist Morrissey, but he's not against gold by any stretch of the imagination:


Golden coins, displaying my worth
Golden coins, I'm best man on Earth
Scorning poor folks
Gives me much mirth.

One in a million, a John Galt, a big boss
How dare you question my profit and your loss?
How dare you question my greed,
When it's much more noble than your need

Golden coins, displaying my worth
Golden coins, I'm best man on Earth
Scorning poor folks
Gives me much mirth.

I made my money, wheeling, dealing,
You, stupid moocher, accuse me of stealing.
Your regulations are raising my hackles,
They bind me surer than shackles.

Golden coins, displaying my worth
Golden coins, I'm best man on Earth
Scorning poor folks
Gives me much mirth.

Top tier titan, capital kingpin.
I seek the truth, Jack, with pure reason.
You hate my brains, and my guts, my success.
Your envy causes such distress.

Golden coins, displaying my worth
Golden coins, I'm best man on Earth
Scorning poor folks
Gives me much mirth.


This is a spoof of Golden Lights which featured vocals by the late, great
Kirsty MacColl (of course, she sang the female lead on the Greatest Christmas Song Ever, and I really have to do a future post on her and another one on her dad, folksinger Ewan MacColl, who- I did not know this- wrote First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, one of Roberta Flack's signature songs).

The song Golden Lights was originally recorded by 60's teen pop pixie Twinkle:





Cross posted, as always, at the mothership.

Dagny, Take a Hike

Hey folks, here's Dagny, Take a Hike, the latest from Objectivist Morrissey:


Is it wrong to want to keep what you've got?
Ayn Rand would tell you, “Surely not!”
How can this world be just
When lice aren't shot?

Dagny, take a- Dagny, take a hike.
Stop the wheels of the world in their tracks, dear.
And don't produce tonight,
Go Galt and find the one that you love and who loves you.
The one that you love and who loves you


Is it wrong to hate your lessers, my dear?
No it's not wrong, so have no fear.
Leave them all in your dust,
Your way is clear!


Dagny, take a- Dagny, take a hike.
Stop the wheels of the world in their tracks, dear.
And don't produce tonight,
Go Galt and find the one that you love and who loves you.
The one that you love and who loves you.

Find my gulch and disappear.
La la la la la la la la.
Throw your blueprints onto the fire.
Come out and find the one that you love!


I have an an additional verse, but it would throw off the flow of the song:


Is it wrong to scorn the weak and the poor?
Ayn Rand would tell you "No!", I'm sure.
How could you be so rich, if you aren't pure?


For those of you unfamiliar with The Smiths, this song is a spoof of Sheila, Take a Bow:





Cross posted in slightly different form at my usual haunts.

Objectivist Morrissey Didn't Go Galt

Back when I did my bizarre 24 posts in 24 hours postapalooza, I debuted the "character" of Objectivist Morrissey, a Bizarro World Morrissey who was a huge fan of Ayn Rand. Objectivist Morrissey appealed to me so much that I thought he merited his own blog. It's been a while since I've revisited the guy, mainly because real-world Morrissey can be just as horrible as his parallel universe doppelgänger. I can't stay mad forever, especially if it gets in the way of a good joke, so Objectivist Morrissey is coming back from the gulch.


Cross posted in slightly different form at my usual haunts.

Task Me

Heartland Heartthrob Truculent and Unreliable (she doesn't cop to being devious, but if she tells you that whitewashing her fence* is a heap of fun, be skeptical!) requested that I tackle Ask in a comment in a previous post. Without further ado, here's my take on one of the most unabashedly "poppy" Smiths tunes:


Kindness is vice, and kindness can stop you
From doing all the things in life you'd like to.
Kindness is vice, and kindness can stop you
From doing all the things in life you'd like to.

So if you're mooching, I'll say "Goodbye"
So if you're mooching, I'll say "Goodbye."
If you task me, I'll say, "Sod off and die!"

Sharing's a vice, and sharing will stop you
From grabbing all things that this world owes you.

So if you're mooching, I'll say "Goodbye"
So if you're mooching, I'll say "Goodbye."
If you task me, I'll say, "Go, sod off and die!"

Spending warm summer days indoors,
Writing godawful prose, to an angsty teenage misanthrope.

Task me, task me, task me!
Task me, task me, task me!

Here in this gulch...
It is our scorn, our scorn, our scorn, our scorn, our scorn, our scorn
Our scorn that will bring use together.

Reason is a virtue, so is greed.
Reason is a virtue, so is greed.

You task me, task me, task me!
Task me, task me, task me!

Here in this gulch...
It is our scorn, our scorn, our scorn, our scorn, our scorn, our scorn
Our scorn that will bring us together.

Here in this gulch,
It is our scorn,
It is our scorn
That will bring us together.

Task me! Task me! Task me!
Task me! Task me! Task me!
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la


Of course, this is a spoof of the single Ask, which was featured on the essential compilation Louder Than Bombs. The original single featured backing vocals by the late, lamented Kirsty MacColl. The song is a pure pop confection, it's uncharacteristic (for the Pope of Mope) chipperness tempered by the very real fear of Mutually Assured Destruction ("If it's not love, then it's The Bomb that will bring us together."). So, for your three minutes of Rand-free pop bliss, here's Ask:






*Heh, "whitewashing the fence"...

Hi, Everybody!

I just checked out the stats, and found that I've had a spike in traffic from mentions on Rumproast and in the comments at Balloon Juice. I have to thank JScottG, who posted the link on Rumproast, and arguingwithsignposts, who linked at Balloon Juice. Thanks, folks, I just hope I provided some amusement for you during these hot, depressing days.